Someone (might have been me) once said never lose your sense of humor...I am attempting to comply 

It's funny that your world can come crashing down on you but yet nothing changes....Life goes on as per usual.  I went to work Friday, I don't think I got all that much done, but I was there.  I feel a tightness in my chest but I just keep on doing what I do, sometimes chewing up an aspirin just for the heck of it. 

I spoke to Joe Friday afternoon and told him that we need to just stop where we are before we cross anymore lines.  I did most of the talking, he just listened quietly and then said "Pick you up for dinner around 6?"  So, because I am weak, I said ok.  At dinner I again broached the subject of us just being friends, no more dinner dates and such.  I reminded him of all he has to lose, his home, his pension, the respect of his children.  He just looked at me for what seemed a long time, took my hand in both of his and told me that I am worth all of that to him.  As if to prove that, he continued to hold my hand across the table as he casually told me that Coach Gary and his wife had just been seated a table away from us.  And stopped, with his arm around me, at their table on our way out. Sheesh....no matter what I seem unable to keep a low profile.

After dinner he brought me home and sat and talked with me for about an hour and then left, ordering me to get some rest.  I promptly went downstairs and cleaned the bathroom and laundry room    He says he's going no where, especially now with this heart thing, says he adores me and is in for the long haul. At this point I am just not in a position to argue with him.  I'm weak and scared about Tuesday and I am comforted by his presence and his steady calm and consideration of me.  I just can't worry about it right now, let me get through Tuesday. 

I canned 8 quarts of tomatoes yesterday. Met with a guy from Leaf Guard gutter systems and bought new gutters and downspouts.  Cleaned a little bit.  Did some laundry and watched TV.  Today I got up and went to church and then to the grocery store.  My niece and nephew are coming soon to get pizza and watch a movie.  My parents will be here tomorrow sometime, I plan to work all day.  There is just a certain calmness found in doing normal things. 

Ok, I think that's it for now.  You kids enjoy your Sunday ~ You know I will. 

Ok, I have an announcement to make and I don't want any of you sissies crying and getting upset about it, and that's an order.

I'm having a heart catherization this Tuesday at 10:45 AM.  I expect to go into that room feeling the love and prayers of my friends, and that means YOU.

Been having some burning in my chest & down my left arm, and up into my jaw.  That's not good.  Spent Wednesday night and all day Thursday in the hospital.  Blood work, chest xrays and EKG's all look fine, but yet there's something going on.  So, the cath.

For those of you who do not know, and I can't imagine who that might be, I had quadruple bypass surgery 5 yrs ago.  Since then I have changed my life of sin and debauchery and have lost weight, exercised, quit smoking, started smoking again, and generally have been taking good care of myself.  So...who knows what's going on.

Pray.  That's an order too.

Love you guys, write when I can. 
Me

Clarification:  This should be a one day event...In Tuesday, out Tuesday...unless something shitty happens that makes me go in sooner or stay longer........I will try to update by Wednesday, if you don't hear anything by Thursday....well...some of you have my phone number, someone will answer.

I wonder if you guys know how much I use you.   As sounding boards.  As an extention of my own conscience.  As a back up of my own morality.  I love you guys, and I'm not just saying that. 

My good friend, Terri, aka misyapa, asks how am I finding the time to update all of a sudden...well, truth is, when something is weighing on my mind I make the time to come here and pour it out.  One reason is just to get it out there, get it out of my head and in a format that I can read myself and see the merits of it.  Or lack of merit.  The other reason is to get your feedback.  Most times, like my last entry about Joe, I cringe as I type, knowing that most of my readers have a high moral fiber and that they aren't going to like what I'm saying.  But I type it anyhow because:

a.)  I know you love me and will not just judge me and drop me. 
b.)  I know you know me and will remind me that I am better than that. 
c.)  I know you won't hold back and that you will help me reach the decision that I already know I need to make.

So, yes, dear friends, I am cutting it off with Joe before it goes any further.  I do like the man and I do know that he is lonely in his marriage and that I am a source of amusement, entertainment and affection for him.  I know that the physical part as well as the friendship part of his marriage died a long time ago.  I also know that none of that is my problem.  He has options, such as divorce, that would free him up to find what he's lacking.  I know that he has a lot to lose by divorcing, his home, part of his pension, blah, blah, blah.  What is happiness worth?  That's his to define, not mine.  I am reminded of the little quote that is taped to my monitor and that I somehow have been neglceting  avoiding reading....Never keep someone a priority when they keep you an option.  I am no one's option.

Around 2005 I started reading a young ladies diary at My Dear Diary whose husband was serving in Iraq and she was just counting the days till he returned.  He made it home and she was so happy and they got on with their lives, having their first child 4 months ago.  This morning I found this comment in my diary from this sweet girl:

In the past I probally wouldn't have said anything but now I just have to.

Read my last entry.  It pretty much explains everything.

Please do the right thing, call it off with that guy.

So I went to her diary and read her last entry, each word breaking my heart more....  Her husband has been having a "friendship" with another woman and has decided he doesn't want to be married any longer.  Jesus, that isn't me.  I can't do that to someone.

Ok, I have a lot of work to do, I just wanted to let you guys know where I'm at with this.  Now it's time for me to let Joe know where I'm at.  He does already know that I've been struggling with it, just not real sure if he knows that my struggles usually end up going towards the right, not the wrong.

Love you guys.  Thanks.  

The new News Week is here!!

Cover - Slaughter in the Jungle...The world's most magnificent animals face new threats of extinction.

Congo's Gorilla Tragedy.

I can't hardly wait to see how they manipulate that to blame the United States Military and Conservatives! 

What a rag........

Because Sunny misses me, and I happen to have an extra 3 minutes that no one is claiming as I color my hair, I will attempt an update *g*

My tomatoes are huge and turning red quickly...I am the envy of all my tomato growing friends...my secret?  Plant 'em and leave 'em alone....A canning we will go, a canning we will go....

Sadie is jealous of tomato pictures so....

Isn't she beautiful?  I just loves her....

The pond area is looking pretty spiffy....

One of these days I'll walk down & get a good pic...Tonight I am just too lazy.

So...Nate lost his job at FedEx because of the DUI.  The day after court they grounded him, let him drive half the day and then made him pull immediately into a parking lot and let someone come and get his truck.  This, after allowing him to drive for 30 days with the occupational license.  Oh well...you plays your cards and you takes your chances.  He has been offered 3 jobs since so...He's working out his last week of two, training his replacement for my brother in law.

I wish I had always lied in my blogs, then I wouldn't feel the need to be truthful with you all...but I haven't ever lied or hid anything, so now is probably not the time to start...This is going to be a real detriment to my eventual bid for Congress, but, yes, I have continued to see Joe with no regard to his marital status.  I really like him.  I really have such a great time with him.  I really wish he'd stayed at the other end of the bar.

Last Tuesday he called (first time) and asked if he could buy me dinner (first time).  I agreed, he came to my house (first time) and picked me up, took me to a little romantic Italian restaurant.  He was the perfect gentleman, opening doors, fastening my seat belt (ever notice how hard it is to fasten the passenger side belt when you're always used to fastening the drivers side??)  We had a very nice dinner, great conversation, lots of laughs.  We left there and he took me to a winery down the road...we shared a bottle of wine out on the deck beside this huge pond, sun setting across the pond, turtles, fish & birds feeding....Very nice, relaxing, romantic.  Then he brought me home and we sat on my back porch, listening to the water hitting my pond, talking and laughing some more. The perfect evening.  Probably the very first adult date I've ever been on.

~sigh~

If only he wasn't so nice.  And we didn't click so well.  And I had a little more self control.  When, oh when, did I start finding bald men attractive?    Other than the being married and seeing me thing, he has never even hinted at anything inappropriate.  Ok, well, other than the 2 times he's said he  loves me as he's leaving me somewhere.  Other than all that, he's been just like a friend.  Ok, yeah, the stolen kiss here and there, but otherwise, he's not tried to get me in bed.  Yeah, ok, I guess he has mentioned that he'd like to make love with me...I know, that's coming up next.  I know Sunny is having a seizure about now 

Ok, so what.  For the first time in my life I'm being selfish.  I'm doing something just because it feels good to me, just because I enjoy it.  Is that a freakin crime?  To have a little something for myself just this once without thinking about the person it might hurt?  Why do I always have to be the responsible one?  Other people do whatever the hell they want to, damn the consequences, why can't I?

Yeah, I know...didn't convince myself with all that either. I know, as you do, that I'll eventually do the right thing. I don't have to like it though.

Otherwise, everything is about the same.  Work, soldier stuff, home stuff, work. 

Ok then...I think I've sufficiently depressed myself and it's time to go rinse this crap off of my hair. (Notice I am trying to contain the swearing? *g*) 

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful *LOL*  I love you guys..........

Have a great evening kids ~ You know I will!!!  

I am thinking of doing a fundraiser for Silver Star Families of America through Yankee Candles.  I'm wondering if any of you would be interested in ordering any candles through me for this fundraiser...The big Yankee Candles sell for $21.50, SSFOA would receive 40% of that.  This would be from a Fall catalog so the scents would be geared toward Fall.  Also, if you ordered a candle from me and decided you didn't like the scent, you can take it and your sales slip to any Yankee Candle store and exchange it for another scent (as long as you didn't burn it).

Anyone interested in this?  Please let me know.

Thanks!

I was going to post pics of the Girls, but didn't want to send Sunny into seizures     No skinny pics until I'm actually skinny.  I got a while yet before I fall into that category.

I know you're all waiting with bated breath (go brush, for cryin out loud!) to hear what happened in court yesterday with Nate.  Let me break it down for you like this.....

Pretrial offer from DA:
Drop one charge, not sure what it was
$350 fine plus court costs
3 days in jail, suspended
3 days in the Holiday Inn Quest program
6 months license suspension w/occupational driving privileges.
Cost to Nate for Mom's suggestion that he take this deal - $.00

Trial offer accepted by Nate from DA:
Drop one charge, not sure what it was
$350 fine plus court costs
3 days in jail, suspended
3 days in the Holiday Inn Quest program
6 months license suspension w/occupational driving privileges.
Cost to Nate for Attorney Dave's suggestion that he take this deal - $1,000.00

Yeah.  Kids.  Never listen to Mom.

So it appears that I cannot go anywhere without coming home with a story.  I'm beginning to think it's me.    Nate, having no "decent" clothing, decided to wear his Class A uniform for court.  He thought it would show respect to the court.  After the DA said he works for FedEx fulltime, the Judge wonders why Nate is employed fulltime, but still wearing his uniform.  (I'm not going to add that stupid Mom had broached this subject with Nate before court.)

Anyhow...Judge makes big deal of the fact that Nate is in full uniform, is he trying to sway the court, does he think this will change what the Judge decides, blah, blah, blah.  Nate is very respectful, Yes Sir, No Sir, blah blah blah.  Judge says inappropriate things like "I was practically born into the 82nd Airborne and I haven't worn my uniform one time since I was discharged" (who the hell cares?)  and "I would think that a 23 yr old man who has a military background would have a better vocabulary than Yep" (Even the attorney looked confused on this, because, as I said, all answers were Yes Sir, No Sir)  and "You mean to tell me that you are 23 yrs old and you NEVER go anywhere that you need to dress for?" (Um...neither does his Mom)  How all of this is any of his business is anyones guess.

So...Mom is sitting in the audience section, by herself...besides 2 strangers there for another reason, and Judge says what the sentence is and tells Nate he needs to sit in this red chair until the Bailiff takes him to pay his fees.  But since Bailiff is off taking someone else to pay their fee's Nate is free to step out of the courtroom with his attorney if he wishes.  He does wish.  Mom continues to sit, wondering if she should step out also.

Suddenly Mom hears "Ma'am, why are you glaring at me".  Mom, knowing that there is one other female in the court room ignores this because she is looking at her lap not glaring at anyone.  Again she hears "Ma'am! Why are you sitting there glaring at me? Do you have something to say to me??"  Mom looks up and see's arrogant Judge staring at her.  Hmmm...Mom says, "Me? I'm glaring at you? I'm not even looking at you. (huge pause) Sir."  "You most certainly were glaring at me" he says.  Mom stands up, picks up her purse, says, as she's walking out of the courtroom "I wasn't looking at you, maybe it's the new glasses, I'm still trying to get used to them".

Wonder how many days you get for contempt of arrogant courts?

Sheesh.

I'm not really sure if I should be offended by Sunny's observation that Terri and discreet should not be used in the same sentence.     I did agree to meet my friend for a couple of drinks last evening and had a really fun time.  It's too bad that he's married, really, because we do have a lot of fun with each other.  I did mention what Sunny said to him and he laughed and said he was very well aware that I was going to be me, no matter the circumstances.  I told him about the Aretha song, I'm not a woman you can hide and he admitted that he knew the song, and had been thinking of it in regards to me since we had the discreet conversation.  So.  It's too bad that he's married.  Did I already say that?   If we could just keep the friendship and not drift to other areas it would be ok, but, there's the question....

~sigh~

Anyhow...Not sure what the plan is for the weekend.  I think Nate is going out of town with his friends for some kind of redneck truck pull stuff.  It's suppose to be nice so maybe I'll work my frustrations out in the yard or something.  I am really trying to behave.  Really.

Ok...I have work to do so I best get to it.  You kids have a lovely weekend ~ You know I will!!   

I got all my fav's read & commented, the first time in MONTHS! 

I is a happy camper!!   

...which is always better than me, being annoyed.  

Misyapa - Have I told you lately that I love you?

Drops - this story is for you...Conversation with my Mom whilst cutting up veggies for their Anniversary Party held a couple weeks gone by....

Mom: Well, I guess now we can't even eat at Burger King
Me: How come?
Mom: Well, they are promoting gays!!  Betty Lou Soandso told me they are running a commercial where 2 men are in bed together!!  And they have that Queen all dressed up in tights grabbing the butts of football players!
Me:  Choking on a baby carrot.....Mom....laughlaughlaugh....he's not gay, he just looks queer! As in weird, as in freaky, you can eat at Burger King!  laughlaughlaugh

I keep forgetting to thank you for the card, Vick...I got it after that conversation and laughed so hard when I saw what it was that I scared the cat *g*

People amuse me.  I remember back in the day I'd be more annoyed than amused...I like it better this way.  People will use whatever they can to make you feel like you owe them something.  Sorry, I aint buying it, I gave at the office. 

Example.....

I met a guy online, 51 yrs old, former military (notice I didn't say "soldier"), who lives about 20 minutes from me.  He was going through a tough time, wife left him, best friend passed away, blah blah blah, so I agreed to meet him for dinner one Saturday evening.  Weeellllll....it wasn't a "date", that was made very clear from the beginning, this was a friend, having dinner with a friend.  Period.  Until we met, and he decided that we should be a couple.  And when I declined then I suddenly was a bigoted, prejudiced white bitch.  Hmmmm....

Ok, I have never dated black men. Life with another person is hard enough, why complicate it with race..that's always been my deal.  Do I have friends who are black? Yep.  Male black friends?  Yep.  If I met a black man who simply swept me off my feet would I consider it?  Yep.  So...Your discharge from the military is questionable, you've served 7 yrs in a federal prison for drug dealing, your dinner conversation includes what you witnessed men doing to other men in that prison, you have no job and can't get one because of the felony record, you have no car and can't get one because of the no job thing, and I won't date you just cuz you're black?  Ummm...Ok.  I guess I'm a bigoted, prejudiced white bitch. I still don't feel inclined to date your silly ass.

I have been being "courted" here the past couple of months.  It's kind of cute, really, I've never been courted.  It started with me noticing him always watching from the other end of the bar and laughing at something I said to someone else.  Then my brother introduced us and he started sitting closer and joining into the conversations.  Then him asking me for my email address and sending me cute little jokes and then little one liners about how something I've done impressed him.  And then there was the conversation between Lesa & I that he apparently overheard where I said I could use a really good kiss...and the next Friday he handed me a little brown paper bag...filled with Hershey's Kisses....and a couple weeks later, screwing up his courage, reaching over, cupping my chin in his hand, gently turning my face to his and kissing me......

~sigh~

If only he didn't have that wife of 35 yrs.  She definitely could prove to be a problem. 

I was flattered with the attention, but being told "we must be discreet" has no meaning for me, I've got nothing to hide from anyone.  And, in the words of Aretha Franklin, I'm not a woman you can hide. 

So yeah...that's going no where.

Meanwhile, I've lost about 35 lbs, I just bought shorts which are 3 sizes smaller than last summer, which thrilled me no end.  I've left my hair grow out, just got it trimmed last week to shoulder length, it's red/blondish and wavy/curly as all get out.  I've avoided confirming this to you all, but I did get the "girls" pierced and I like it.  Got new glasses and I like them.  Got new bra's that lift and separate, the emphasis being on the lift (hehehe)  Got a new attitude and self-confidence galore and I'm loving that also.  I realized the other day that I am completely over Ed, finally, and I am thankful.

In a nutshell, I am happy and content with my present circumstances.  Now, if Mr. Wonderful showed up tomorrow I wouldn't say Oh, I am happy and content, please go away, but until he shows up, I'm good.

A couple months ago Nate got pulled over on some bullshit offence and was made to do the roadside sobriety thing, which he passed with flying colors.  But the officer took him to the station & did the breath thing and he was over the legal limit (.08 in Ohio) so was charged with DUI.  We've been to court twice, the first was just the pleading thing (not guilty), the second was pretrial which his attorney didn't show up for, which puts us in trial, Thursday.  With a different attorney.  Wish him luck, he drives for a living.

(Keith - I am aware that the story I was told was most likely not the whole truth & nothing but the truth....I know you think I'm "one of those" Moms, but I'm not  )

Ok, it has taken me 2 hrs to write this so I should just take the hint and get back to work. 

You kids have a wonderful evening ~ You know I will.  

You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren't dying. They're merging into big conglomerates....Erma Bombeck

I have perhaps one of the largest number of kids of any woman in America.  Which is kinda strange, considering that I've always hated kids.  Silly little boogers don't seem to notice that though, as they have always flocked to my home, raided my cabinets, slept on my floors and cried on my shoulders...even before I had the one child I can legally call my own.  With  my adoption of the entire United States military a couple years ago, I really must hold some kind of record.

Closer to home though, I have Nate.  And Brent.

Usually seen together under the raised hood of a car or truck.

We met Brent in 1989, when they were both just shy of 6 yrs old, shortly after moving into the home we bought after leaving Nate's dad.  He lived around the corner with his mother, (who was a prostitute, drug addict) and 2 brothers, the third & oldest brother residing in some prison in southern Ohio.  I found him sleeping on the floor in Nate's playroom, surrounded by Hot Wheels, sans Nate, who was visiting his father that weekend.  I'm not sure he ever went home in the 8 yrs we lived there.  I met his mother, also named Terri, at the grocery store 2 yrs after meeting Brent...he was with me and she "was glad to finally meet me".  ~shakes head~ Her son had been sleeping in my home since he was 5 yrs old...

To all intents and purposes, Brent "became" my son.  School clothes shopping always included Brent.  Grocery store purchases were made with both boys in mind.  Punishments and household duties were dealt out equally between them, although Nate could always con Brent into doing his.

A couple years ago, Brent came here to talk to me about his pending wedding and marriage, and birth of his first child.  I will never forget the look on his face when he said, "Mom, I've just recently realized that Terri was a whore when I was growing up, that's how she paid for everything".  We talked for a couple of hours about how he felt about that and about her being a part of his childrens lives, no, she would have no part, YOU are Grandma.

So yesterday I spent the afternoon on the back porch with my sons and my grandson, Brendon, seen in the first photo 2 seconds before he stepped right into the pond *g*

I might be the worse Grandma in the history of Grandma's *g*

But I'm happy with my "conglomerate"

Do you believe that baby WILL BE 2 in August?  He's huge!  34 pounds and double E shoes *L*  I am happy that Brent's real mom has somewhat straightened out, enough so to be included in Brendon's life, anyhow.  She lives with them and Brent supports them.  I guess it could not be any other way, she's getting too old to be standing on the street corner.  But that goes to show that he is a good son, and I like to think I had a part in that.

I think a lot about families.  I am amazed and dismayed by what I find in researching the families of our fallen Heroes...Some of them move around like gypsy's, never landing anywhere for any real amount of time.  Some mothers have had 5 or 6 different last names.  Some of our boy's were basically homeless when they joined the military and there is no family to find.  It breaks my heart for them.  But then, it must have always broke my heart, because I have always taken in the strays.....

Enjoy your Sunday.  Hug your kids.  Or I will.