August 1, 2007

  • I wonder if you guys know how much I use you.   As sounding boards.  As an extention of my own conscience.  As a back up of my own morality.  I love you guys, and I'm not just saying that. 

    My good friend, Terri, aka misyapa, asks how am I finding the time to update all of a sudden...well, truth is, when something is weighing on my mind I make the time to come here and pour it out.  One reason is just to get it out there, get it out of my head and in a format that I can read myself and see the merits of it.  Or lack of merit.  The other reason is to get your feedback.  Most times, like my last entry about Joe, I cringe as I type, knowing that most of my readers have a high moral fiber and that they aren't going to like what I'm saying.  But I type it anyhow because:

    a.)  I know you love me and will not just judge me and drop me. 
    b.)  I know you know me and will remind me that I am better than that. 
    c.)  I know you won't hold back and that you will help me reach the decision that I already know I need to make.

    So, yes, dear friends, I am cutting it off with Joe before it goes any further.  I do like the man and I do know that he is lonely in his marriage and that I am a source of amusement, entertainment and affection for him.  I know that the physical part as well as the friendship part of his marriage died a long time ago.  I also know that none of that is my problem.  He has options, such as divorce, that would free him up to find what he's lacking.  I know that he has a lot to lose by divorcing, his home, part of his pension, blah, blah, blah.  What is happiness worth?  That's his to define, not mine.  I am reminded of the little quote that is taped to my monitor and that I somehow have been neglceting  avoiding reading....Never keep someone a priority when they keep you an option.  I am no one's option.

    Around 2005 I started reading a young ladies diary at My Dear Diary whose husband was serving in Iraq and she was just counting the days till he returned.  He made it home and she was so happy and they got on with their lives, having their first child 4 months ago.  This morning I found this comment in my diary from this sweet girl:

    In the past I probally wouldn't have said anything but now I just have to.

    Read my last entry.  It pretty much explains everything.

    Please do the right thing, call it off with that guy.

    So I went to her diary and read her last entry, each word breaking my heart more....  Her husband has been having a "friendship" with another woman and has decided he doesn't want to be married any longer.  Jesus, that isn't me.  I can't do that to someone.

    Ok, I have a lot of work to do, I just wanted to let you guys know where I'm at with this.  Now it's time for me to let Joe know where I'm at.  He does already know that I've been struggling with it, just not real sure if he knows that my struggles usually end up going towards the right, not the wrong.

    Love you guys.  Thanks.  

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